Smile. You're On TV!

30 April 2009.

Jaago Re. The Lok Sabha election is upon us. And in case you were dozing, three sure shot election rituals to remind you its poll time. 

Ritual One.

Use of a phrase that is banished into oblivion between elections -“Pro Poor Policy”. Another PPP model much like the boring done to death sold by every public policy salesman in the 5 years between elections (the other PPP being the Public Private Partnership for the uninitiated). You’ll have business experts and policy experts and chat shows throwing this phrase around. Will we see “Pro Poor Policy”? Shouldn’t that be taken for granted? So a country who is below many sub Saharan African nations on the Human Development Index and has more people dying of starvation, malnutrition and pregnancy related illnesses than anywhere else on earth - if policy isn’t pro poor then it’ll be pro what? Pro Martians? Pro Item Song Performers? Pro Harrods shoppers? But see the beauty - it usually is pro Martians, and item number stars and corporate czars, so Pro Poor Policy is a term that’s fished out at election time for novelty value. “Pro Poor Policy” in the Indian context is like saying we will now consider “Wet Water” or better still a “Pro Water Fish” and “Pro flight aircraft”. As opposed to the anti water fish and the anti flight planes that we should be encountering ordinarily. And no one seems to get the irony of this “Pro Poor Policy” phrase as they spit it out with straight faces on TV. And no one smiles!

Ritual Two.

Dramatic sound effects. Music with lots of reverb and base - sort of like the climax of The Last Mohicans type film. SUDDENLY!

A face in three quarter profile. Not three quarter face but three quarter back of head with thinning mane. Slowly turns around. It’s frowning. Looking angry. Is it an advertisement for indigestion? Is it a show about dealing with urban stress and anger management? No wait. Grumpy gent is Election Expert or historian or someone very knowledgeable.

Voice over booms informing us of - The Most Formidable Election Team on TV or The Best Pollster or The Best Most Brilliant Genius who knows everything about everything brings you a special show with a grouchy face. Often arms folded over chest in a don’t mess with me pose.

Freeze frame. Timings of show at the bottom.

Why is a rotten face the sign of someone to be taken seriously? Cant a smiling face be insightful? I’d like to see a face that smiles and says  - “See.  I’m so happy because I know so much. I have so much knowledge and the truth sets you free. So I smile and tell you what a rotten electoral process this is but my mood and face isn’t.”  I like. Already I’m a fan.

There’s a difference in being an angry person and having anger in you. As they say (they being smart people who know it all) - Don’t be an angry person but never lose the anger within. A rotten face doesn’t mean you’ll be taken seriously. Be pleasant. You’re on TV. And no one smiles?

Ritual Three:

This one is high on the cute and precocious index. Many public awareness spots and messages telling you to vote. Which is great I think. I mean I’m all for making an informed decision and going out there and voting. Informed decision being the operative phrase. But some are just too supercilious. Like the Jaagore one. It informs you that if you aren’t voting you’re sleeping. Its great if you believe in a candidate. And I’d be the last to discourage anyone from voting. But if you don’t and all the options before you suck, it means “you are sleeping”, is going a bit far. But that’s exactly what two young boys hitting puberty with the first wisps of hair on their upper lips will have you believe. I’m sure there is much excitement and anticipation in the first kiss, the first drive the first vote and other firsts. But to think a person who doesn’t vote is sleeping and not as involved in the democratic process is a bit pompous. The message is apparently aimed at the middle and upper middle class who has the most miserable voting turnout.

So every five years this class watches the ads, gets charged up, wakes up stands in line and goes to sleep again. What do they do in the 5 years between? Swallow the same lies, bribe their way through each day, overlook and are often active accomplices to a corrupt and self-serving bureaucracy. Ever tried to get people involved in some campaign or drive or movement that requires them to do more than press a button on a holiday? Trust me in the five years between elections it’s not sleep, its comatose.

Now see I have a confession to make, I don’t vote. I haven’t for the last 2 terms. Of course between 1995 and 1999 I got a lot of action. Three times really fast one after the other as successive governments collapsed and mid term polls were held. And boy was I an enthusiastic voter then. I even remember my  - Oh so clever piece to camera as a reporter. “This is Abhinandan Sekhri Voting and Reporting…”  I chirped into the camera. No joke. Seriously.  That was my closing piece to camera from the polling booth. Line delivered effortlessly as I stuffed my ballot paper (No EVM machines then) into the ballot box and I had to get it right the first time because I couldn’t do a take two and stuff another ballot paper in. You weren’t allowed to cast more than one vote unless you were indulging in booth capturing. I just couldn’t get over my clever piece to camera. At least I smiled. Oh how I gloated. Just like the two frowning, fury filled boys telling a crowd and me that if we aren’t voting we are sleeping. But I’d rather be awake in the 5 years in between. So on polling day if I’m not voting I guess I’m sleeping. Well G’night then. Young lads, am sure you’d have changed the world when I wake up. And please then at least, someone smile.