5 April 2008
We have a new Miss India and a Miss India World and a Miss India Asia Pacific and a Miss…. err.. I think that’s it.
They’re ripped apart by feminists (just jealous), mocked at by pseudo-intellectuals (unable to comprehend the uncomplicated simplicity of beauty), frowned upon by conservatives (they’re bores anyway), protested against by political and religious organisations (who cares about corruption, price rise etc. anyway?). But! They get high viewer ship - or used to at least, create youth icons like Aishwarya Rai and Sushmita Sen – or used to at least, MNC’s and Indian corporations trip over each other offering sponsorships – or used to, more and more clones of them are cropping up all over the country, and we the people enjoy the mela. Beauty contests have all that and more…. Or used to at least.
But now! Where’s the spunk? The attitude? The originality? The confidence? Its gone, if it were ever there, but lets be optimistic and assume it was. Here’s what we’d like to see in the final round of one of these Maha Mega Beauty Bonanza Bumper Hunt. (those still watching the final round after the swimsuit round is over)
What we’d LIKE to see - Scene:
Judge
(aging male film star/corporate czar/anyone famous and disposed):
So what is the one thing you’d want your husband not to do?
Finalist:
Judge beauty pageants and ask inane questions.
Good humoured Judge:
Ha! Ha! You have a sharp sense of humour lady.
Finalist:
Ha-ha. One of us has to if this evening is to be at all
interesting you predictable boring twit!
The judge sits down, everyone laughs and applauds, the finalist’s attitude and quick wit is appreciated and basically she clinches the title. But that’s not what’s going to happen by a long shot. Here’s the more likely scenario.
What we get to see. Scene:
Judge
(aging male film star/corporate elite/anyone famous and disposed):
So what is the one thing you’d want your husband not to do?
Finalist:
He must never be cruel to the weak and downtrodden people in our society. Also animals that cannot defend themselves. He must be honest and have a pleasing nature. He must have a good sense of humour (one of them has to if their evenings are to be at all interesting), he must lay down his life for his country…….etc.
Wait don’t go to sleep. The scene’s over.
How corny is the deal? On the one hand we’re told that it’s the inner charm, the originality and the all round inherent self confidence of the girl that will carry her through, and on the other they get trainers who teach them how to walk-talk-eat-drink-dance-smile-scratch their heads ….
The voice over in the Miss India promos will croon. “We got 20 precious but irregular/rough stones, (they actually say that) and with our special grooming techniques we smoothened out the rough edges and turned them into 20 polished, sparkling diamonds. That’s the magic of Hasina – The Essence of Womanhood. This contest is sponsored by Hasina – The Essence of womanhood”! We would never have guessed!
Trainers! Leave them…Wait that sounds like a horse instructor. Groomers! Leave them alone. Let us see what they got. Once you’re through with them one cant tell Natasha from Nilofer or Nancy. They’re all the same. The same toothy smile, the same three quarter profile stance with right arm on hip and left casually (NOT!) dangling down the side.
What would really send the channel TRPs sky rocketing is a Beauty Contest where real self confidence wins. They don’t have to pretend to be on a mission to change the world. No one need pretend to uphold the torch of feminism. If the girl wants to join movies and dance in a bikini , she says so! Big deal. It doesn’t comprise the women empowerment movement in any way. If she wants to get married to a millionaire and party her life away, she says so. Big deal. It doesn’t comprise the women empowerment movement in any way. If she wants to get involved with an alcoholic film star and be roughed up every now and then and receive the best actress awards at an award function at night wearing goggles to hide the black eye, she says so. Big deal. It doesn’t comprise the women empowerment movement in any way…. Okay maybe not that, that’s going too far. But you get my drift. If a judge asks a stupid question, he/she is told in no uncertain words. A contest where if a judge isn’t sharp enough he/she will be demolished by the aggressive - sharp – self confident contestant. A contest where the judges are more nervous than the participants. A contest where the judges sweat, sponsored by – Pasina: The Essence of Humanhood!!
Now that’s what we’d really like to see. Any volunteers for judges??
And if that doesn’t happen really soon all we’ll get are …
Memoirs of a Woman of Substance
Oft I wondered as a child, in life what lay ahead.
So off I went and rushed right in where angels fear to tread.
I learnt a neat and groovy walk, an accent just as cool.
This I never could have known had I just stayed in school.
I'll walk the ramp and answer everything that’s asked to me.
This will be done by a not so bright, but rich and powerful coterie.
I'll tell em just how wonderful and good a girl I've been.
A year or couple down the line I'll strut my stuff on screen.
I'll heal the world and also banish, strife and war to hell.
And while I'm at it I'll just do a film or two as well.
A judge once asked which man I'd choose, if I had just one date,
Lal Bahadur Shastri said I would surely be my mate.
He was five and a half feet tall and I'm only five ten.
Don’t look at me like I was lying, I'm turned on by short men.
Another judge once chanced to ask what an ideal woman should be?
I pouted, giggled and said aloud. "Oh darling! That would be me."
Getting here has been a climb with toil, silicon and sweat.
There were sleepless nights and family fights, but wait there’s still more yet.
I had to leave my brain behind, my self respect was dead
a bit of this a bit of that and a bit of head.
Being a beauty queen, is not as easy as it looks.
This woman of substance does all that, and sweeps and cleans and cooks.
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