Cosmo Manoos

13 January 2008.

Raj Thackeray of the Maharshtra Navnirman Sena, hosted the accused in the New Year eve molestation case at his residence. Suggesting innocence, he said that it’s not in Maharshtrian culture to molest women. Duh! I hope not. I wonder which culture actually has that as part of their rich cultural heritage, an Incredible India slide show accompanied by a crisp voice over – “From time immemorial men have been pouncing on  women… etc.” Lets see now, which republic day parade do I recall that had a state jhanki which was a bunch of drunk men molesting women. Hmm!! None spring to mind.

Really! If someone tried hard it would be difficult to come up with a statement more daft. 

The signal this sends out is more than obvious. Indulge in any filth you want and when exposed, give it a political spin and call your self a victim. Politicians and bureaucrats have been doing it for the longest time, now the aam-admi too has learnt.

When the horrific visuals of two women being groped and the dress being ripped in full public view were played out on TV the usual suspects ranted about the decay of cosmopolitan Mumbai. Alyque Padamsee among others enlightened us about how this is a Delhi phenomenon (a statement almost as daft as Raj Thackeray’s) and has no place in Mumbai. The columns and comments by “prominent citizens” were more about Delhi than what happened in Mumbai.

I’m waiting to hear one high profile commentator telling us what a shame Raj Thackeray’s and earlier the Shiv Sena’s stand is. No voice condemning that yet. And that is central to Mumbai’s decay. It’s not a new phenomenon. It’s as old as the Shiv Sena itself.

Mumbai is a wonderful city and like any other city it has its shortcomings too, but cosmopolitan in the true sense? It takes more than a stock exchange, financial headquarters, Hugo Boss suit clad bankers, Versace draped leggy models, Louis Vuitton bags and a large upwardly mobile yuppy population to make a city cosmopolitan. It takes dissent. Conflict in action and expression. In rebellion. Not only is conflict central to progress but rebellion is the staple for creativity.

I spent about a year in Mumbai, initially working for Newstrack a part of the India Today group. Within my first week at my new workplace I voiced what I thought about Bal Thackery. Uncouth as we Dilliwalas are, a bit loose tongued tau! Sadi buri adatan hain phaape.. I was told by the admin in-charge of my office (good naturedly trying to get an outsider to fit in and understand the rules of the city) that this may be okay in Delhi but not in Mumbai. We don’t tolerate this talk about Balasahab. I was astonished, not to say gleefully provoked. Oh Yeah!! Tujhe Chodhry kisne bana diya Tau?! Dilliwala gets his weekly agro fix. Grr!! Grr!! You messin with me? Huh huh huh?

But just the fact that one man or family can mess up a city like its his daddy’s loo is ridiculous and definitely not in character for a cosmopolitan city.

Cut to Delhi a year earlier. Working for the same organization before moving to Mumbai, TV news was not 24 hours and the weekly newsmagazine format allowed us to walk down to a relatively un-crowded CP for leisurely lunches. This time at Wimpy’s  just round the corner from our office. The young dating couples, not so young stags trying to get some, leery lecherous louts, college kids and underpaid reporters fast food fix.

It was Valentines day and I was waiting in line to place my order. About a dozen Shiv Sainiks stormed into Wimpys for their annual Valentines day fracas. You all know the drill, we see it every year. In Mumbai they slap some kid around, beat some poor sod up, burn cards and cuddly teddies etc. Here in Delhi it was slightly different. They came in, threw some trays to the floor, broke a glass pane, shouted a bit and then ran like the wind away from Wimpys. Meek climax to the aggressive foreplay phaape. Why? Well because this is Delhi Tau. A few delighted jat boys, Punjabi agro types and others got up ready for as you may say in Mumbai, a brawl in the chawl or as we say in Dilli a panga that’s chunga. And as our elders have taught us in Punjab “Puttar, aise mauke baar baar nahin ande.”  A Heaven sent moment. I mean what are the odds? On valentines day, getting a chance to show the woman you love what lovely Punjabi expletives you can rattle off, beat a few people senseless, some ripped shirts, hairy tummies showing and yelling terms like what according to some Bhajji said to Symonds (no it wasn’t Monkey but sounds similar). The most romantic Valentines Day ever. Cupid’s club would strike your woman senseless. Love guaranteed. Please don’t point out that cupid does not carry a club but a sweet little bow and arrow. Here in Delhi he carries a club has a pot belly, hairy tummy and wears gold chains, OK? Ok!

Anyway so when the Shiv Sainiks saw Lovely, Sukhi, Nikku types leaving their tables and cracking their knuckles and stuffing their kadas under their jacket sleeves, the Shiva Sainiks made a run for it. I mean opposing valentines day is all very well but who wants to get thrashed by rowdy Delhi Punjabi-Jat lads? Balasahab and his two cubs Raj and Uddhav aren’t going to come protecting you.

So moral of the story is that its important that the voice of dissent is heard whether in the sound of knuckles cracking, a guttural greeting to mothers and sisters, in the civilized crisp accent spoken into mikes at lectures and seminars, in candlelight vigils, in silent protests, in music art or in a good old fashion, rumble in the jungle.  You may argue that rowdies like Lovely, Sukhi and Nikku are the kinds who make Delhi unsafe. But Tau, they are also the ones who make it safe.

Lets face it, no ones really scared of the cops any more. The only sense of retribution is if you are “God fearing” (God, I love that phrase, God fearing people!) or - getting thrashed fearing. So in Delhi no one gang of louts can decide to grind the city to a halt. You see like a good civilized cosmopolitan society there is another bunch of louts waiting round the corner.

Mumbai doesn’t have that. It only has one bunch of louts. And the rest too busy making money or celebrating the cosmopolitan nature of Mumbai in the cities best watering holes . And not just busy, too scared too.

Etawah can be brought to a standstill by Mulayam and his goons, Patna was brought to a standstill several times most memorably during Lalu Yadav’s “Vishal Railla” (masculine for rally) and Mumbai can come grinding to a halt on Bal Thackeray’s or one of the cub’s whims. Now if there is this very HUGE similarity between Patna under Lalu, Etawah under Mulayam and Mumbai under Thackeray, I’d be a little embarrassed chest thumping and calling it cosmopolitan.

So the nation waits for some one from the cosmopolitan Mumbai to speak up and tell us how people like Raj Bal Uddhav Thackeray need to be dealt with. Mean while the aggressive, loud, north Indian testosterone loaded Delhi lout will watch out for his city just fine - Tau.